Idiots flock to cyberspace for freedom from intelligence...
My dad has been getting bizarre emails asking for help concerning events of the past. He doesn't own a time machine (except for his eight-track recorder), so he was quite puzzled at the inquiries.
So I decided that I would take matters into my own hands.
The email address from which the emails were sent came from an AOL Account... so I decided to IM the fellow...
Because I believe highly in privacy, his AOL user name has been changed to protect his identity.
mepretendingimnot: i can get you the time travel equipment, but i must do a background check, first.mepretendingimnot: 1: are you going to assassinate someone, if so, who and during what era?
mepretendingimnot: 2: are you planning on tampering with politics? If so, please let Dewey win.
mepretendingimnot: 3: are you using this to attempt to find a female? If so, try Cleveland, 1897.
time*freak: hi, no, I simply need to go back in time because my life has been severly tampered with
time*freak: i will send you a
mepretendingimnot: might i ask in what manner?
time*freak: email a breif story of my life
time*freak: whats your email address?
mepretendingimnot: send it to newrisejohn at yahoo.com
time*freak: you got mail
The email I was sent:
Hello,
And thank you for your reply on helping me.
As mentioned in my last email: My life has been severely tampered with and cursed.
It all started out with this woman my dad dated when I was only 9 who drugged and poisoned me, once even used another poison in my school lunch, which made me suddenly, start crying for 2 hours straight after eating it. She was into black magic. I and also my mom made my dad break up with her after about a year. She was furious at me for arguing with my dad all the time about everything, which she told me she was doing to me. He never believed me about her or what she did, or the side effects I had from her poisonings. I am 20 now, and since then my life has been obviously completely tampered with. I did not learn that she was also into witchcraft until years after she was gone, but I have since had out of this world weird things happen, bad luck. Everything I come close to seceding at suddenly turn around for the worst. All my dreams only available in my past destroyed. Many weird unexplained health problems, coming on from nowhere. Which have gotten so bad today I have to fight to stay alive, and am always in pain and suffering everyday. I have also since been the victim many times of my food from the grocery store having something put in it by some sicko working for their company, Example: Such as a needle object in a bag of party mix potato chips which cut my gland and put me in pain now to feel like a am swallowing that needle again every time I eat certain foods in addition to these other major health problems I have. Since she was around weird things have not only happened to my luck, my everyday day life, and also health, but also to my brother. He went processed and had some evil super natural creature in him from another galaxy controlling his mind, strength, and giving him powers to try and harm me physically and mentally, He could read my mind exactly. He of course pretended to act normal around other people and only acted this way and used his strength and power when he was alone with me, so nobody would believe me. He had the strength to lift 400 pounds like nothing and would often attack me, even once with knife. This went on for a period of six months. When he did return to his own body he remembered nothing and wondered what happened. He is now starting to act strange again.
Strangely Just 3 month before this woman even dated my dad and came around there was this catering truck guy when I was 8 who gave my friend and me a free hotdog. He was laughing as he handed me mine. Just 1 minute after eating half of that hotdog tears started pouring down my eyes. And this sicko catering truck man was laughing his brains out even harder. He obviously must have used the same drug this woman my dad dated once used on my school lunch in addition to whatever else she was putting in my food every night at supper that my dad forced me to eat.
I know time travel is possible and the technology exist out there because when I was 16 I had a 6 hour missing time experience when there were UFOs in the sky, It went from morning to midnight at a quick flash of light which sounded like a camera click. I'm sure you aliens know exactly as to the experience I am talking about.
I come to you for help, and need a way of doing this in the following way exactly in such a way that there will be little or no danger. I come to you in peace. Trust and honesty is an absolutely must.
I would like to be able to rewind my life including my age back to when I was 4 years old knowing all, or at least everything necessary that I know now so that I can prevent this from happening again and have the normal healthy happy life the way I truly know I was suppose to live it.
My concerns are can this be done exactly the way mentioned with little or no danger:
Could I erase my time line?
When I rewind my life including my age, what will happen to the me in this universe as of right now? Will I suddenly be gone and have disappeared to everyone, including my family?
When I go back in time, how am I going to be able to get younger and not go back just how I am and bump into myself for the year of which I travel to?
When I rewind my life and am 4 again, will I have both the mind I have now and also the mind I had then, be in the body I had then? Or would I strictly have the mind I had then but remember Everything I know now as if I had one long dream in dream format?
I look forward to your reply.
**signature removed**
mepretendingimnot: in doing so, you remove the need for time travel, so by appearing in the past, altering the present, you will not be able to travel back to alter the past to begin with
mepretendingimnot: your life will change for approximately 0.0064 seconds, then revert to your current state
mepretendingimnot: or you'll be an eggplant.
time*freak: so what are are saying if i understand you is if, I travel back just as my age now bump into my self change things, when i come back to the future everything will of changed?
mepretendingimnot: yes. it will have changed, but in the change, you will no longer have the need to trvel back in time, thus creating a conundrum. you will cease to be in your new life, because your new life does not include you going back in time in the first place
mepretendingimnot: so you will revert back to this time
mepretendingimnot: or become an eggplant
mepretendingimnot: you will need to outsource your time travel needs if you must alter your own past
mepretendingimnot: you can go back and mess with anyone else, but if you affect yourself, removing the need for you to time travel at all to begin with, you create a conundrum.
mepretendingimnot: not good.
mepretendingimnot: so, you will need to hire some one else
time*freak: there are two things i see a problem with that though, my health has been so tampered with, I am very sickly right now and am strugling to stay alive, if i were to go back I would need to correct myself from the time i was born and warn myself up untill atleast the age of 9, secondly all of my dreams were only available in my past which i was hoping to personaly rewind my life to relive
mepretendingimnot: right. by changing them, you will effectively erase them
mepretendingimnot: thus removing your need for time travel
mepretendingimnot: which leads you (in the new timeline) to stay where you are and not time travel
mepretendingimnot: which will then cancel your previous actions
mepretendingimnot: and then you will revert to this time
mepretendingimnot: or become an eggplant
time*freak: ok, so you are recomending then that instead of rewinding my life time line and age, that i simply go back into time and bump into my self after i was born were the first big mistake took effect on me and fix everything thing from there?
mepretendingimnot: no. you will need to hire a professional.
mepretendingimnot: why do you think there are so many eggplants? too many do-it-yourselfers.
mepretendingimnot: the pros can alter your timeline, and have you live your new life with no reprocussions.
time*freak: a perfesional to warn and protect the me of the past and travel back for me
mepretendingimnot: exactly
mepretendingimnot: but you have to pay in advance, because afterward you'll "claim" you never knew any of that happened... which is true, but it doesn't allow you to get off without paying.
mepretendingimnot: try the Virgo Cluster, or ICQ
mepretendingimnot: that's where all the aliens hang out.
time*freak: ok thanks,
and finally
and what about the dreams and hopes i had which were only availalbe form when i was 11-16.
mepretendingimnot: ICQ has plenty of interchrono assassins.
mepretendingimnot: some of the good ones can have them recorded.
mepretendingimnot: but usually only on betamax.
mepretendingimnot: i must now go.
mepretendingimnot: good luck
time*freak: so by having this proffesional go back and change my life it will actually seem like i have gotten to relive all these past years which have been suffering and misary?
time*freak: thanks
mepretendingimnot: no. only if you want them recorded.
mepretendingimnot: if you don't want them, they will never have happened an a new timeline will be formed from the event onward.
mepretendingimnot: try "A Brief History of Time" by Hawking. he's one of us.
mepretendingimnot: take care
I haven't heard from him since. I guess he successfully erased himself and did society at large a great service.
Keeping Scary People Away
how to stay safe in today's hectic world
- Constant flail arms and legs to ward off ephemeral demons, especially at church.
- Eat lots of garlic. No one come near you, trust me.
- Wear "safety orange" wherever you go. It's safe, isn't it?
- Carry a concealed weapon, and announce your intent to use to all passers-by.
- Pray to the god of B-movies, Ed Wood, for guidance.